Parkin spaces, Bargain hunters & Chatty Kathy

Ok, before anybody goes and indicts me on charges of being a hateful, Christmas squashing skank, I am going to attempt to defend myself. I have officially pulled the Grinch out of my ass and found the holiday spirit, somewhat at least. I put two trees up and lit the outside of my house up with an ill flashing duck. I should really get a picture of it, it's ugly as hell. But since my daughter absolutely hates that cheezy duck sooo much, I find an added bit of joy when I plug the lights in and it starts nodding. Heh. She's since learned not to tell me when she doesn't like something as I go out of my way to rub it in. (But that's another story).

I've finally figured out what the hell has made me need liquid happiness the past few years. It's the complete commercialization and exploitation of a HOLY season by corporate assholes banking on us spending every last penny we don't have.
But being broke ain't the real problem, kids. Nah... Robert has already said he was gonna tell Jesus I'm broke, so I'm not worried about all that so much. I'm all caught up on the credit card bills by say mid-July of the following year. Nice, eh? Whatever...

Oh shit, I'm supposed to be defending myself against Bah Humbug Syndrome. Right, so here we are. I swear I'm in an awesome holiday mood. I'm just pointing out the obvious. Let's discuss all of the little things that make this season so jolly and bright.

- The parking situation. This time of year is a nightmare worse than Freddy Kruger chasing me in my unbuttoned button-up oxford shirt and panties through a lonely, dark street whilst I fight to wake up from the dream before he kills me. With people playing drag race down narrow parking aisles in an attempt to get that one spot that opened up close to the door.

I nearly got taken out three times in two parking lots Saturday while trying to get to a semi-non-populated part of each parking lot.
Since I drive Big T's big truck every chance I get, the front parking space means precisely dick to me. I'm not one who minds to walk to and from the store, even if it's pretty far. I park toward the back of the lot where all the asshats wouldn't dare park as it would mean they have to actually walk more than 20 steps to enter the shopping establishment. Which means it's less likely that a NASCAR slide into the parking space I have chosen is not very likely.

- Bargain hunters. Those ladies will run you down and put you into the wall, like Dale Jr. comin up on Gordon in the final few laps at Daytona, with their buggy full of goods to get that one thing that's on the other side of you. "Look! It's a tube of KY Jelly discounted 25% for the holidays!!!!!" she squeels as you feel the buggy ram your hip and said bargain beast rolls through the already packed aisle to get .

I really think shopping buggies are in dire need of horns, brakes and blinkers. No shit. I think I might just market that. There's cause for it as Wal-Mart and my local Food City are the spawn of satan year round anyway.

- The talker. Now, I admit it, I talk on the phone whilst cruisin the warzones (also known as Wal-Mart, Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, Goody's, etc, etc...). But I never have, nor will I ever, be so inconsiderate as to stop dead still in the middle of a friggin aisle to continue my conversation, creating a backlog of people waiting to pass by my fat ass. Look it sister, if you're gonna take about the corns on the big toe of your left foot, do it somewhere else. Don't stop mid-step, put your hand on your hip and share about it where all of your fellow shoppers have to hear it. I personally don't care about your corns or any of your other podiatric flaws. You are doing nothing more than creating an angry mob behind you, who (if held up too long) will pommel you to the ground stampede style.

So, that was my shopping experience from the weekend. Swear to all that's Holy, I'll at least consider Christmas shopping around the 4th of July next year.
Thank goodness I'm nearly done with it except for the "mystery gifts" for the Dirty Santa festivity with Big T's family on Christmas Day. (Blog on that one to come.)

xoxoxo Love all ya'll. xoxoxxo


Anonymous said...

You know, a couple of years ago I vowed to stay away from malls from the first of Dec until the New Year. It's working out real good so far.

Jay said...

I really really hate shopping. One of these days I'm gonna get a shopping card with brush guards on the front it so I can plow down all those kids ... er people that won't get out of my way.

Bella said...

Your experiences sound so much like mine!

I'm ready for the new year...

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

2 words: Online shopping. Or is that 3? On line shopping? yourself a whole heap of trouble & do it in your PJ's!!! Or in your unbuttoned button-up oxford shirt and panties if you prefer.

MsPuddin said...

Don’t you hate that, because I’m used to parking far and walking too, but during the holidays, you got to fight people even for that far back spot…

And lol @ making your daughter suffer…

Mike said...

Two Words: Online Shopping.

God, I hate going to the friggin' stores this time of year.

Anonymous said...

the one thing I like about technology besides can shop online and avoid the assh*les..I wouldn't go near a mall for nothing this time of year...well maybe I would if I was promised Cindy Crawford would be running around my place naked when I got back....:):)

Kawana Aminata Oliver said...

I hate parkin, but I love shopping ;-)

Divalicious said...

Slick, you are the man. I have joined the Piss on the Mall @ Christmas club, of which I have named you Presidente & CEO.

Jay, if they don't move their ass when ya blow the horn, they are fair game, my friend. Happy holiday bowling!

Bella, you and me both, sister! I'm already in the end stages of NYE party planning. Once it's all finally over, I intend to hybernate for a little while.

Olga, YES! ONline shopping will be my method of choice for the remainder of my years!!

Ms.P, too damn many people, not enough places to park. And I live to make all of the children in my general vicinity squirm, pout and protest.

Mike, I have learned a valuable lesson. Either online shopping or shopping by July... one or the other.... or both.

Robert, I'd consider going through it all over again every year if I could have the hottie of my choice with a bow on the forehead.

kawana, you and me both sister!! My man works to support my habit!