12-Step Program Needed

I think I need a 12-step program. I have a major problem that, no matter how much effort I put into it, I can't seem to fix.

Big T comes to my office now and then to visit. One afternoon, he popped by and asked us, "Do you have any string or twine or anything around here. I need about 2 feet of it."

I, forever and always being the helpful & loving wife that I am, say, "Well baby, I have this left over blue ribbon from the bridesmaid bouquets if that'll work."

I toss him the ribbon and think nothing else of it. He says he loves me, gives me kisses and goes on his merry little way.

Fast-forward to 5:15pm, when I get home from work. I come in as usual and Big T gives me my hugs and kisses as I head upstairs to start dinner... when it caught my eye...

That ass-munch had duct-taped the ribbon to his lighter that sits on the end table. The other end of the ribbon was inserted into the slate slabs that make the top of the table. It looked like one of those pens that the bank tries to keep safe by chaining them to the teller spots.

Why would he do such a sarcastic thing?

Because I am Diva. I have a problem. I steal lighters.
Yes, my friends, I'm a kleptomaniac.
I found that I am attracted to steal lighters like a monkey will steal your wallet at the circus. It is bad.

How bad is it, you ask. When Big T asked me to empty my jacket pocket and purse, the lighter count was seven (7). Ooops.

Moral of the story is.. Until I get the proper help, if we're out drinkin' together, please (please, please) keep your lighter in your pocket or at least come get it back from me.

Consider this fair warning. I can not be held responsible.


Anonymous said...

LOL...geeezus girl, and you would fight over my new Zippo! ;)

Bella said...

My thing would be pens.

Don't leave your pen out where i can get to it. By the end of the day, I'll have a pocketfull.

Divalicious said...

Now now now, Slick. I'd only fight you for your lighter if jello or babyoil in a caged ring were involved.

Divalicious said...

I try my best to remember to lay the pen down when I'm done. I generally snatch the lighters when I've had my fair share of the brew.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

when i smoked i noticed my lighters got stolen often too. that's why i used to go out of my way to buy "faggot lighters", the pink or purple ones because my male friends (other than the gay ones, who were indeed the ones that came up with the name) wouldn't steal them.

doggybloggy said...

thats funny...

If I smoked I would probably steal lighters too...and if it was zippos I would steal em for sure..

Not a Granny said...

I have 5 in my purse right now. Should have seen us when we flew out to Washington state, between the carryons, my purse, and various pockets they thought we were going to blow up the airport!

Mike said...

My lighter is with me at all times and I trust no one with it. My wife doesn't even smoke and she regularly tries to steal it.

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

So you must have like a couple of thousand of them by now??? Are you planning to use 'em, loose 'em or sell 'em on E-Bay...or what?

Divalicious said...

Oooh, tequila, pastel lighters are my favorite. Let's go out drinkin soon!

I jacked my Daddy's zippo one night. I learned really fast not to take the good stuff, only the crap lighters.

Ahhh, granny, my kindred spirit. The only time I lighten the lighter load is upon boarding a plane in the U.S. That shit is contraban and they will throw an ass into airport jail for it.
TSA eyeballs pop out when I have to pitch a purseful of lighters before going through security.

Mike, your wife and I will tag-team your ass and snatch yours up only because you try so hard to protect it. Watch your back, brother. =)

Hell yah! Olga, I will collect them and sell them in wholesale lots on eBay. I will then use the $$ to entertain you when you come to visit.