Ass Scratchin', Booger Pickin' & Other Forms of Nasty

Ahhh, the things I did for public knowledge in the quest for excellent grades... Since I started working here and subsequently enrolled in my biology courses in college some years ago, I've been a total germ-a-phobe. Sad, but true, I'm 100% horrified to shake a stranger's hand because after the research I performed for one statistics term paper, I came to realize.... EWWWW... You just never know.

I mean folks might have been picking their crack:

Picking a booger *gagging*

Wiping their boooty after a rather scary dump session:

In addition you never can tell if a one has been wigglin the willy or spankin the monkey. Not that there's one damn thing wrong with Lovin Yaself... Not at all. You just never know.

Oh, back on task here....
I make such a big deal of this that people close to me are scared not to do it for fear I'll grow horns and fangs and break ninja on their ass.
But, it's all in the name of simple personal hygeine, kids. Kill the cooties!

What am I bitching about today, you're askin? The simple task of washing one's hands.

I was a super, nay, excellent student throughout my college career.
I did all kinds of nasty shit just so I could get an "A" on term papers and research projects. Call me an asskisser if you want, but all my professors loved it and I graduated pretty damn close to the top 'o me class.

This specific semester led me staking out the big handicapped stall in the ladies bathroom of the Clinton Hwy. Wal-Mart for more than 2 hours on a not very busy Saturday mid-morning. Sweet mother of all things Holy and not... the lack of sanitary personal hygiene was (to say the very least) disgusting, pathetic and totally lacking.

I hid out, acting as if I was in there for the obvious reason, making tinkle. What I was really doing is standing there with my little note book, peeking out towards the area of the pottyroom where the sinks are.
I would put a mark in one section everytime someone would enter one of the bathroom stalls. I would place a mark in the column for people who didn't wash hands if they didn't wash hands. I would place a mark in the column for people who half ass washed hands (less than 30 seconds) and a mark in the column when someone would finally properly santize hands.

In the two hours I suffered in order to get that almighty A on my research paper I made note of the following:

23 people entered a pisser.
11 people didn't bother to wash hands at all.
8 people half ass ran water over hands and dried.
4 people... ONLY 4, actually used soap and stood there washing hands.

Of the 19 people who did not bother to wash hands or didn't do it up right, 7 of them were employees of Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart DOES have signs that say: "For good health, please wash your hands before returning to work".

Ok, now I don't know about y'all, but that is just the ickiest thing I've ever seen or heard.

Being as obsessive and compulsive as I am by nature, my lil mind went wild. These 19 people would be touching shopping carts and money that will be for public use..

Then I thought, this is Super Walmart... what if they are touching the fresh fruit and/or vegetables?????

*gasp* OH GOD!!! What if one of them works in the deli/bakery!!!!!

By the time I turned that research paper in, I was so completely grossed out that I wouldn't touch anything without slapping GermX all over it first.


Jay said...

I try not to touch anything in a public restroom. I grab some paper towels so I don't have to touch doors or locks or faucets or anything.

Anonymous said...

Just a reminder....

I do all those things. Never, ever shake my hand ;)

Chuck said...

I used to hang out in that same Wal-Mart, but not in the ladies room. Well, not that often.

I'll have to remember, when we meet someday, to be sure and not touch you with my hands. I'll have to come up with something else to touch you with! ;)

Dana said...

I'm like Jay - well, not REALLY like Jay - but I actually use a paper towel to open the bathroom door. I've always thought that those doors should PUSH open when you leave the restroom so that you could use your shoulder or some other clothed part of your body to open them.

Mike said...

I won't touch anything in a public restroom either. Well, I mean I do touch my crank, but I know where that has been and most of the time...that is no where at all.

Hey, you changed things around. I like it.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Just in case we meet, you can always just assume that I have been spanking the monkey.

MsPuddin said...

I never used to use those seat cover thingys…until I heard the reason they were designed was because of the AIDS epidemic…now I barely plop down on a public toilet…as for washing hands…people are nasty. Period…

Anonymous said...


Do not, ever, ever, ever eat at the Blimpie in the BP station in Solway. They don't wear gloves when making the sandwiches, and one woman in there had scabs all over her arms! YUCK!

Anyway, on that lovely note, you've been tagged to do the Christmas Meme!

Anonymous said...

Just think about some of the nasty ass stuff we breath in!

It's enough to make a person want to isolate themselves from the rest of the world.

Divalicious said...

Jay, cooties are gross, paper towels are a gift of God!

Slick, you dirty boy!

Chuck, in the ladies room to pick up the chicks? You're a dirty boy too... bad, bad naughty boy!

Dana, I would sooner have my hand cut off than to touch a bathroom door in the WalMart!!

Mike, darlin... I've always heard if you shake it more than once you're playin with it.

Mr. Fab, spankin the monkey. Seems there are lots of dirty, naughty boys out there!

Ms.P, I hover, even with a cover I hover. No plopping.

Lissakay, I used to stop on my way from work to class at that BP, I am officially thankful I never had the urge for a sub! That's just icky.

PrepPonderings, we would all be much safer with a bubble to live in, but it wouldn't be nearly as much fun =)