Bras, Burritos, Ninjas & Hair Pullin

I have decided on what one of the most annoying occurances in a woman's life can possibly be.

I was at work and everything was coming up roses. I had an super great hair day. I even woke up early enough to slap on some war-paint.
I had a box to pack up for a customer who is in a shit panic to get something done RIGHT NOW, after he had been advised a week ago that he needed to take action.

Whatever. Lack of planning on his dumb ass part, does not constitute a shit panic for me. None the less, I went ahead, as a good colleague would, and got his stuff put together for him and was putting the large part (a 50 pound instrument) into the box when I felt it.... SNAP! The underwire in my most favoritest bra gave out.

That kids, is annoying. My boob popped out of said bra into my shirt, making my the girls look all awkward and crooked. Needless to say, the bra came off and I wore my sweatshirt for the rest of the day.


I made an attempt to be stealth like a ninja this weekend. I did, really. I waited for Big T to get up and go to work, acting totally and convincingly asleep. He was out the door and I jumped up to take a shower. I hi-jacked the truck and snuck all the way to Pigeon Forge to the Music Outlet.

I cried on the sales fella's shoulder about how I had to have the camo Morgan Monroe guitar case, of which they only had one and was already half paid for by some psycho woman.

Being the spoiled brat I am, I tried to talk him into giving me that one and ordering her another one, but to no avail. Kids, I haggled this dude for 20 minutes before his son said, "Dad, I think there might be one upstairs in the storage room."

The waters parted and the heavens opened when I saw the boy coming back down the stairs a mere 30 minutes later carrying the last one they would ever have.

I am such a good wife that I pay attention to all the stuff Big T says. And I specifically remember him making a mental note that he was going to go back and get that case one day. Check. I made a mental note too. I was sure it would get me a free pass for a wicked roll in the hay. Woo!

Anyhoo, I get home and try to get in the house before Big T can come help me in with the stuff. But, I didn't make it. He was out the door before I could fart and run from it.

He asked obviously annoyed that I would have enough nerve to put something back there when he had specifically told me not to.
"What's that in the back of the seats? I thought I told you not to put anything back there, baby."

"I know you did. It's for Natalie (my kid) and it's lightweight. I was afraid it would blow out of the bed if I put it back there." I protested.

He rolled his eyes and said "Unlock the door, let's get it out and take it in the house."

What could I do. I handed him the key. Mind you, he's had a hard-on for this particular item for a little over a year.

He pulls the box out and looks in it. I swear, I thought he was gonna cry. The look of horror on his face that he had found one of his Christmas presents.

Oh well, his bad. He ain't gettin it until Christmas day. I'll wrap that bitch up and put in under the tree anyway. He better act surprised and he better still give me some major league nookie.

So much for being a ninja.


Taco Bell gets a stay of execution for now.
As promised to Ms. P, I went ahead forewent my diet in order to keep Taco Bell in business. I have had a burrito and large Diet Dew two days in a row. There is no need for anybody so sweet to die of hunger because of my vanity. What the hell was I thinkin anyway? Maybe that is why I broke bitch in like 1.3 seconds... maybe it wasn't PMS... maybe it was lack of bean burritos with extra red sauce.
Thank you, Puddin, you saved me from myself.


What is a school zone? A school zone is a place where flashing lights, crossing guards and cops all come together with one goal in mind... to slow folks down in order to avoid mowing down of any munchkins.

I respect the school zone and all of its components. However, some asshat in an SUV, who apparently woke up a little late, doesn't.

I drive my kids to school every single day, as she is too much of a princess to ride the damn bus. Which is fine. I too was a princess. I take into consideration that I might just run into traffic in the school zones, and allow this into my alotted time for the AM commute. Generally I take it for what it is and am a mellow driver. I don't suffer from road rage very often... until today. Today was the day I finally snapped.

Anyway, the forementioned asshat decided that he was in a hurry and as a result his SUV was raping my poor little car he was riding so close... like right up the tailpipe raping. Not like I could go anywhere any faster with the half mile of folks trying to do the same thing I was.

I didn't think about my daughter (16) sitting next to me when I finally got pissed off. I rolled down the window and yelled back at him "If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair, asshole!"

Ooops. Of course, my kid busted out laughing and looking back at him. He must've been humiliated cuz his boy was laughing his ass off as his dad yelled at him. Good. Back off and don't ride other people's bumper. It's just consideration.


Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Don't be too hard on your poor ol' bra dear Diva...we do the breast we can...working under all that pressure 'n all. Just be glad that underwire didn't poke yer eye out! :)

Chuck said...

Wow, thats like a weeks worth of blog posts all in one!

So, since you obviously have the gift and he already knows about it....did you get you any hay rolling in advance?

Sorry about the bar, but I can smell a HNT pic in the works! ;)

David Sullivan said...

"If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair, asshole!"

I've got to remember that one.

It reminds me of that line in "Dog Day Afternoon" when Pacino says "kiss me" and the cop says "what" and he says again "kiss me, I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked"

Nice intro to your spot.

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

"... at least pull my hair." Brilliant. I can't STAND people that tailgate. I was once driving with a friend (one you do not want to cross) and we came to a red light. She got out of the car, walked to the lady driving behind her and said "Would you like me to make some room in the back seat, or did you want to back off a bit?"

I'm glad the lady agreed or it wouldn't have become really nasty.

MsPuddin said...

So the wire snapping of the bra got you the promotion right? At least it didn’t put someone’s eye out…

Thanks for the shout out. You re welcome...I haven’t been to taco bell in a while. It’s been all about jack n the crack’s chicken nuggets lately…

Anonymous said...

dang I hate it when a young ladies boob pops out...:):):)..nice gift for T I hope you got that roll in the hay;)...kick the ass of the SUV driver for me...boy that bugs the livin hell out of me...most be the old truck driver in me....

Bella said...

I am sooo understanding the whole bra thing.

Hate it when that happens...

:) bella

Nosjunkie said...

I had to sleep with a bra on last night.
do you know how that sucks
we did some silly pec crunch thing at the gym the other day and the muscles in my chest have been killing be ever since.
It has gotten to that point where I feel like i am back in puberty cos I cant walk without my boobs bouncing around pulling on the muscles.
so I have strapped them in good and tight

Divalicious said...

God bless Lane Bryant, Olga. They had my favorite bras on sale buy one get one half off. I'm only half broke now and still might be able to afford a lump of coal for each of the heathens! I brought two of your distant relatives home with me and my girls are thrilled to have that comfort and support again!

Chuck, I tend to run off at the keyboard. My life is such an event filled clusterfuck that I feel sorry for you only getting to read about it. I so don't do it justice.
HNT... no can do pal, no rack online for me, but if you send me your email address we might just could exchange naughty pictures. I won't tell if you don't.

Awww, David, I love Al's sarcasm. He's the king of it and I'm only taking lessons. I tend to remember all things sarcastic and work them into my every day life.

You called me brilliant. That's never happened to me before. I'm excited and all giddy now. Your friend and I could be best friends. I've had confrontations on the roadway many-a-time. Remind me to tell you about the bitch at Blockbuster one day or the other skank at Atomic on that bright fall mornin.

Ms. P, you know I love ya and I'll pimp you out any time I can. No promotion for me. My boss is a chick and I've been unable to convince her it's ok to like my boobs. Quit saying Jack in the Box. I'm hungry.

Hi Robert, you sweet man, you! As the EX-wife of a truck drivin man, I've heard the horror stories of asshats and what they do to y'all. I have the utmost respect and consideration, no shit.
I can't stand rude pricks on the road and I drive an itty bitty Alero.

Hi Bella. Bras are a bitch and if it weren't for the girls bein on hi-beam, I'd consider going commando all the time. It felt good and they liked it. You should really try it sometime, you'll find it's super nice.

My girl, nos. I wish I could say I work out enough to my the girls ache. But I'm a lazy chick and that just won't ever happen. But when I had my boob job I had to sleep with a sports bra for 2 weeks. Not fun at all. They like to be free!

Amy said...


This post is so damn funny I have no idea where to start commenting. Except, well, yelling at the ass rider takes the freaking cake.

Divalicious said...

Asshats should not be allowed to drive, Amy. It is my goal in life to be rude to them all =)

I totally glad I could make you laugh hard enough to pee.