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1.10.2008

Constipation, Cramps & Criticism

Yes, as a matter of fact, you did read the title right. Constipation. It's a bitch. Now, I'm not exactly sure how this happened, but it did.

It could have been the cocktail of cold medicines, Midol and Motrin I have been feeding on since New Year's Day.

Or maybe it was all that gackity oil from I breathed in whilst preparing the spread of deep fried food.

Or maybe it was the damn Cheese Stix. Those Cheese Stix can apparently jack a body up.

Regardless of how and why it happened. It happened and I'm in dietary hell.

I don't know if criticism is exactly the word I am looking for in this particular situation. Big T isn't really doing that. He's just less than supportive. Let's think of a better word.

I think maybe a better description of what he is would be lack of compassion for his dear, sweet wifey's intestinal discomfort. Yah, that's it.

Now, I'm not really thrilled here, writing about my lower digestive issues. However, due to the obvious kick my darling husband has gotten out of my sorry state, I felt it an amuzing subject. Or I'll find it amuzing once the Heaven's open, angels sing and the pipes are unobstructed.

More than that, though. He's being outright shitty about my current state. Pardon the pun.

"I'm gonna start calling you Roto-rooter. No, wait, that's who we should be calling for ya baby." He muses.

*crickets*

"When the whites of your eyes start to turn brown, baby, you know its time to take action."

I just look at him.

"What ya need to do is, sit on the pot with your feet pointing straight ahead. Not sideways, but straight ahead." Wisdom from a master shitter.

"Then, grab your knees and rock forward and back. Not side to side because that'll just scare it back up. Back and forth. Got it?"

"Great, a shit lesson." I'm less than amuzed at this point. "Why can't you just go get me some Exlax or something???"

He rebuts. "Pay attention, dammit!! I'm trying to teach you how to shit."

*blink*

"Medicate, medicate, medicate. That's all ya wanna do ain't it?? Maybe you should sing while ya rock back and forth."

He breaks into a lovely rendition of Swing Low Sweet Chariots. Why that song, you may ask.

Because, if you sing in a low, low tone, it will rattle your intestines. Genius.

"I'm a girl, shithead. I can't sing bass. How bout I sing Take This Job and Shove It? How bout that??"

I'm now not only constipated and dying from the cramps engulfing my entire being, but I'm annoyed.

16 comments:

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO @ no blowjob for you tonight!

Chuck said...

Have you tried one of those snake things that a plummer uses? I looked at them at Lowe's the other day. The cheaper ones have a 3' reach. Reckon that'll be long enough to clear out the clog? LOL

Good luck!

Jay said...

Just remind him that paybacks are hell! LOL

I'm thinking you need more fiber in your diet. Cheese is very ... um .. binding. Yeah, we'll use "binding." ;-)

Leighann said...

I think that we may very well be married to the same man!

RockDog said...

WOW! Looks like I picked a great day to wander in here! Because, not only can I appreciate a nice ass (nice pic!), but I too can offer relief for a bottled-up shitter.

Your husband is on the right track with the rocking front and back and not side to side. That is KEY!

My best advice, lots of porn, a little twiddle on the diddle, and McDonald's and/or Taco Bell. The first two get the internals revved up and the food give it some ammunition.

I'll be adding you to my Google Reader! Fun blog!

maverick said...

ha ha...loved the description of the technique to get over the constipation...the feet aiming towards the sky n all...totally hilarious...

well abt the condition...tk care..probably drinking loads of warm water might help...a tried n tested remedy in this part of the world..lol...

take care :)

Chuck said...

Oh my!! Now that's a hot and juicy ass! Where you been hiding it for so long? So, next time you're thinking of taking ass pics for posting let me know. I have a specific request! :)

Diva said...

RLL- I'm gettin alot of mileage out of that one!!

Chuck- You have absolutely no compassion for a girl do ya?

Jay- You have no compassion either. Binding my ass... oh wait, that's the problem now isn't it.

Leighann- Is it possible? I think it could be.

Rockdog- Welcome over!! You certainly picked an interesting day to pop in, eh? Lack of shitting and pix of my ass... nice combo

Maverick- Me wonders if hot coffee will have the same effect??

Chuck- You're stalking me, huh?

Mike said...

Well that is a lovely ass picture and I am sorry to hear about your intestinal discomfort.

Southern Sage said...

Well I for one am pulling for you to poop out those demons!
I mean I hope you get it all out!
and for the record, your ass looks delightful to me!
SS

Robert said...

OH Oh comebacks by the femiine brigade are usually nasty..waych out T.....:):) nice cheeky picutre there...:):)

Amy said...

Ok, that sucks. That REALLY sucks. But, OMG... if it were under other circumstances I would think your husband was very funny. Instead, I think maybe you should punch him in the crotch... but if you do, video it for me because nothing is more funny to me than a crotch punching!

maverick said...

coffee has caffeine...n too much off caffeine adds to constipation...so try warm milk or warm water..shud help :)

Nosjunkie said...

Diva I solemly swear to post my but on the net soon...soon is like -20kg in the future- but as far as the shit situations is concerned. you have to give T snaps for creativity and always remember that to men, giving you a shit lesson is as supportive as it gets

Diva said...

Mike- God bless Exlax!!

Sage- Big T performed an exorcism last night in which he beg God above to release the terrorist turd.

Robert- Indeed, spiteful women join together in times of sorrow and constipation.

Amy- Girl, I'd love to have popped him one, however, that would make for me not getting any EVER again. I must keep these things in mind.

Maverick- You, my friend, may have discovered the missing link here. I drink more than a pot o' java per day. Ooops.

Lee- If Big T is nothing else, he is certainly snappy with wit.

Michelle L. said...

Haha! I love the shit lesson! Fortunately I haven't had THAT problem lately. But I would have to be half-dead for J to not expect to be waited on. Where does he get these moronic ideas? I never even waited on him while I was well. Maybe he thought in my medicinally impaired state I would cave. No chance.