Round One - McGee Tyson Airport

Day One - Round One

It was Saturday, October 6th in the year of our Lord, 2007. A beautiful and mild day for flying I thought to myself as I peered out the glass door at Tony and the boy loading my colassal pieces of luggage into the bed of the pick-em-up truck.

I tried and tried to whittle down the amount of crap I had packed up. Deleting various pairs of shoes and casual clothes by the handful. My Mother swore that she was going to get all of her stuff packed into one reasonably size suitcase the night before when she was packing.
I thought to myself, I'll be damned if she gets all her shit shoved into one "reasonably sized" bag and I can't. But I couldn't and I was at the point of accepting my defeat when we left the house to go pick her up.

As we pulled down the drive way, my uncle was helping her roll her reasonably sized bag out of the garage, followed by yet another bag nearly the same size as her reasonably sized bag. Hmmmm. Defeat? Me thinks not. Get 'em hoisted and let's go. The sunny skies are waiting on us.

We took off for McGee Tyson airport here in beautiful Alcoa, Tennessee. Tony helped up get the bags out of the bed of the truck and almost dropped a nut trying to get her suitcase out.

"A little heavy there, huh?" I asked him, whilst cackling at her.

"Just a little." He said. Shaking his head that I can be so snide and yet so loving at the same time.

We gave each other some seriously tight hugs and sweet kisses and I went on in to check in our stuff.

"Name and identification, please." The robotic sounding lady at the American Airlines counter blurted out.

"Well, ok. Gotta dig it out." I said as I start shuffling through my carry-on bag looking for my passport.

"Ah. There it is!" I say proudly, as my digging expedition proved I hadn't forgotten my passport. I lay it on the counter in front of her.

"Very good. Will you be checking any thing through today?" as she peers over the counter at the obviously over stuffed luggage at my feet.

"Mmmm, yah. These two." I rolled my eyes as I lifted them onto the scale.

"Ok, they are checked all the way through to Frankfurt. Have a nice trip."

Sweet! Phase one of the objective was complete. Mom's turn.

"Name and identification, please." Robot lady says to her.

Mom handed her passport over and started lugging her bag up onto the scale.

"Oh my." Says robot lady. "It appears we have a problem. This first bag is nearly 17 pounds over the limit. You can try to redistribute it, or you can pay the $50.00 over weight fee." (Have photographic proof of overpacking. Sorry mom, you knew I'd use it).

In typical JLamb fashion my mother overpacked for real. And Tony said my bag was way heavier than hers, hmph. I wasn't the one sitting in front of the check in counter redistributing 67 pounds of crap to meet the weight limit. Hahahaha.

"Gonna fit it all into one bag are we?" I say to her as I cackle a little more at her packing defeat.

She shoots me the most evil of all evil looks and says, "I can fix it."

She unzips the offending suitcase and proceeds to pull out a fat bag of hair products, a Bible, several books.

"Sweet Jesus, Mom." I ask in amazement. "How the hell did you get all that in there to begin with?"

"Can you please put some of these in your carry-on and I'll put the rest of it in my other bag?"

"Yah, yah, yah." I babble as I shove her books and other random small items into my bag. I decided rather than start her off pissed, I'd shut up and pick another battle later.

There's nothing better than messing with my Mom. I don't do it to be mean to her. I just find it to be the most entertaining activity around these days.

"Let's see if that does it." She says as she pushes the suitcase back up on the scale.

"Just made it." Robot lady said, actually cracking a smile. "Have a nice trip, Mrs. Lamb." She said as she handed mom's boarding pass over the counter.

Mom couldn't say anything, she just smiled back as we walked toward the secure area.

"Damn, mom." I said with sincere realization. "I really think I should go chain smoke for a few minutes since it's gonna really suck once I cross that security line."

She showed her compassion and said, "Ok. Let's go outside."

She sat there in the waiting area while I chain smoked a couple of cigarrettes and got enough of a ciggie buzz to border on a headache.

"Let's go, Mama." I said as I walked back up to her.

With that, we were off toward security check point.

"Oh shit!" I whined.

"What now?" She asked me.

"They're gonna take my lighter. I just bought that lighter."

"You can buy a new one when we get there." She said.

"Fine." I took the lighter out and pitched it in the lighter collector jail they had set up.

So, we made it through security and we were on our way. Quite an eventful afternoon and we hadn't even left Knoxville yet.


Robert said...

Number 1 air travel has become a total hassle I avoid at all costs and travel by road..but being an ex trucker that's easy for on the packing thing..I know I have a little more practice here but the standard is for a road trip of 5 to ten weeks ..10 minutes tops one bag and I never forget anything...:):)whoohoo I'm good baby...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh my gosh!

I got tired just reading that.I hope everything else goes down with a little more ease.

I avoid airports.

maverick said... airport security is becoming strict globally...i just came back from dubai ystrdy..the security staff at dubai was amazingly helpful...but my best experience has been singapore...awesome facilities et al...n the baggage weight thing...well we managed everything in the limit this time arnd :).. i remember having had to pay wen i was shifting bases in different cities in

Nosjunkie said...

well well well you have a good flight there hunny and expect to know how you messed with mom so I can go do it to my mom

Bella said...

Gotta love air travel!

No way I can ever travel with just one suitcase. I usually have to have an extra for my shoes.

:) Bella

Real Live Lesbian said...

I LOVE messin' with my mom, too. I get that from my dad.

Have a great trip!

Mike said...

After a lifetime of travel, I have learned that the best way to get through an airport is to take nothing with you. I pack so light you wouldn't believe it.

Now that they have all those restrictions about carry-on personal products, I don't even take those with me anymore. I just go to the store when I get to where I am going and buy travel size toothpaste, etc. and then throw it all away when I am ready to come home. It's just not worth the hassle.

Slick said...

I wanted to read about having to take the shoes off dammit.

You left out the interesting part about shoes.

Well, as much as you made fun of ya Momma...glad to see you helped her get all her stuff to where you were goin

Diva said...

Robert- Yep, air travel is a bitch, but I was too lazy to row my rowing boat across the pond.

PP- The whole trip was worthy of my making fun of my mother.

Maverick- Eh, security wasn't bad over all in Frankfurt. But God forbid you wanna go outside and smoke in Chicago.

Lee- Girl, that's what Mommy's are for.

Bella- Shoes. I had to buy another bad to come home with for the shoes I bought over there.

RLL- Yah, Ma is a really good sport. She didn't snap on me until we were on the way back to the airport to come home. 10 days of my shit was enough I guess..

Mike- Yah, I pitched all my shampoo and stuff before I packed to come home. But they let me keep my lighter flying back. Funny, huh?

Slick- I was trying to block to shoe removal part from my memory. Think of all the funk that walks that little strip of security area.... ewwwww.

MsPuddin said...

When I went to Vegas last year the security check at the airport said my one suitcase was equivalent to that of a 6-yr-old child…it was probably all shoes…

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I got a reasonably sized bag for ya! It hangs right behind my hootus!!

Diva said...

Ms. P- All the security crap is worth it for shoes. A girl gots to has her shoes!

Dyck- You gonna drop that bad boy on the scale?