Finally. A year after the proposal. Finally, after three changes in date, time and venue. Finally, after finding a wedding cake that didn’t resemble spiderman. Finally, after managing to locate and fit into a sexy yet firm suitable set of wedding underwear. Finally, we did it. We got hitched!
Of course, in our typical style, anything less than complete and utter chaos, followed by family drama and tradgedy simply wouldn't do.
I must say, my bridesmaids were stunning and wearing sexy gowns.
Nice tits, ladies! I couldn’t say it in the church, because well, it was church. But dang, everybody’s boobs looked superb in those dresses!
The boys didn’t look shabby either.
Ain’t it funny how a man in a classic black tux can make a girl weak in the knees?
It was actually beautiful, other than the bridesmaids walking to “Pray for the Dead and the Dead will Pray for you”.
I shit you not. It was not un-noticed by a single soul either.
Long story. I stress here and now, that it was an ooopsie on our part, as we didn’t listen to the concerto in full.
We thought, “Oh that’s beautiful” when we listened to it the first time and turned it off with listening to it all the way through.
So, two of the bridesmaids are walking to lovely strums of a classic string quartet, when it goes into the death march. Literally. Not good.
Sweet Jesus! I almost had a heart attack.
I decided I either need an ample amount of Jack Daniels right then and there or a mega dose of xanax as it was all I could do to keep from crying.
I’m back there yelling to Val “Oh shit! Oh Shit!!!!! Cut it off, cut it off!!”
Which he did, and we went on.
Deep breath. The Wedding March is going.
Walking with Daddy (who was thankfully on his best behavior and didn’t cause any shit whatsoever).
My daddy had come to the rehearsal drunker than cooter brown and was pure evil about my Ma. Not nice.
I FINALLY got up there to my man. The longest mile... you better believe it.
Ok, so here we go. Daddy gave me away and there I stood looking into the eyes of the man I was about to marry.
I never in my life imagined that I would have been nervous.
But I was. Xanax?? Didn't anybody find the damn Xanax???
We stood with everyone looking on… ohhhhh, the sweet, happy couple gazing at one another as “At Last” by Etta James played on.
Then, my friggin shoes started to hurt like hell and I was about to cry again.
We manage to exchange vows with me only tripping once over my tongue and having to start over.
Que the second song “If You Ever Have Forever In Mind”.
By this time, the butterflies have turned to dragons and I’m so nervous that I can feel myself turning red as a chipotle pepper getting over ripe in the sun.
I look at the pastor and say, “Is there anyway we can get him to turn this song off??”
”You really want the song cut?” He asked, looking at me like I’m crazy and then to Tony for reassurance that my head wasn’t going to spin 360 like something from the Exorcist.
“Yah, and the next one too. My shoes are killing me and I’m turning red.”
“You got it.” He said.
He got Val’s attention, music was cut. Moving right along.
We are now husband and wife.He pulled me close and laid the nicest kiss on me.
Dang. We’re in church here, pal, and you’re really turning me on.
Do you go to hell for getting turned on in church?
The only mishap was Lil T coming up to us mid-vows and yelling “Look Nana! Motorcycle.”
When he figured out everybody was lauging at him and saying, “Oh how cute.”, he took off.
So, not a single mishap that was YouTube worthy happened, dammit!
Oh wait... the death march...
I was just waiting for somebody to do something stupid.
We got it done! The ceremony itself was beautiful. Nobody burst into flames from getting too close to the unity candle, although Julie was standing pretty close and she has that sexy long hair.
But, nobody slid and fell off the stage, passed out or puked…
No puke is an awesome thing.
We were in the midst of finding the photographer to make pictures after the ceremony, when we found out that the photographer had, in fact, left.
He had said to somebody, can’t remember who at this point, that he had plenty of pictures. I still don't have them.
Um. What?!?! I believe I’ll be the one to tell you when you’ve got enough damn pictures and when you can sit down and have cake!
But, I didn’t get the chance. He was gone.
Must have needed a beer or a shot of tequila or something. Whatever.
That’s when SUPERMAN appeared! My buddy Mark.
I was about to cry and there he was, yanking the camera out of the bag, snapping pictures of the wedding party, the reception, the friends, the family.
My friggin hero, I shit ya not!
Ok, so what else. The reception was interesting. There was one arguement and my cake was melting.
I pitched the bouquet, and Robyn (one of my best Pirate friends) snatched it up. She’s next anyway.
Tony flipped the garter…
Curtis (Robyn’s man) yoinked the garter! So, if it wasn’t already happening, it’s bound to happen now!
We cut cake...
drank wedding punch…
and decided it was time to cruise on outta there.
We proceeded to the truck to find it tastefully decorated with multiple condoms and window chalk.
Family-kid drama was on deck... but I am trying to forget all about it at this point.
Family-mom crisis hit with Big T's mom that day too, but all turned out well.
Anyhoo, I suppose it doesn't make any difference how we got there. I got the ring, he gets a life long subscription to Annoy Me Daily magazine for men.