Death March, Painful Shoes & A Subscription to Annoy Me Daily

Finally. A year after the proposal. Finally, after three changes in date, time and venue. Finally, after finding a wedding cake that didn’t resemble spiderman. Finally, after managing to locate and fit into a sexy yet firm suitable set of wedding underwear. Finally, we did it. We got hitched!

Of course, in our typical style, anything less than complete and utter chaos, followed by family drama and tradgedy simply wouldn't do.

I must say, my bridesmaids were stunning and wearing sexy gowns.

Nice tits, ladies! I couldn’t say it in the church, because well, it was church. But dang, everybody’s boobs looked superb in those dresses!

The boys didn’t look shabby either.

Ain’t it funny how a man in a classic black tux can make a girl weak in the knees?

It was actually beautiful, other than the bridesmaids walking to “Pray for the Dead and the Dead will Pray for you”.

I shit you not. It was not un-noticed by a single soul either.

Long story. I stress here and now, that it was an ooopsie on our part, as we didn’t listen to the concerto in full.

We thought, “Oh that’s beautiful” when we listened to it the first time and turned it off with listening to it all the way through.

So, two of the bridesmaids are walking to lovely strums of a classic string quartet, when it goes into the death march. Literally. Not good.

Sweet Jesus! I almost had a heart attack.

I decided I either need an ample amount of Jack Daniels right then and there or a mega dose of xanax as it was all I could do to keep from crying.

I’m back there yelling to Val “Oh shit! Oh Shit!!!!! Cut it off, cut it off!!”

Which he did, and we went on.

Deep breath. The Wedding March is going.

Walking with Daddy (who was thankfully on his best behavior and didn’t cause any shit whatsoever).

My daddy had come to the rehearsal drunker than cooter brown and was pure evil about my Ma. Not nice.

I FINALLY got up there to my man. The longest mile... you better believe it.

Ok, so here we go. Daddy gave me away and there I stood looking into the eyes of the man I was about to marry.

I never in my life imagined that I would have been nervous.

But I was. Xanax?? Didn't anybody find the damn Xanax???

We stood with everyone looking on… ohhhhh, the sweet, happy couple gazing at one another as “At Last” by Etta James played on.

Then, my friggin shoes started to hurt like hell and I was about to cry again.

We manage to exchange vows with me only tripping once over my tongue and having to start over.

Que the second song “If You Ever Have Forever In Mind”.

By this time, the butterflies have turned to dragons and I’m so nervous that I can feel myself turning red as a chipotle pepper getting over ripe in the sun.

I look at the pastor and say, “Is there anyway we can get him to turn this song off??”

”You really want the song cut?” He asked, looking at me like I’m crazy and then to Tony for reassurance that my head wasn’t going to spin 360 like something from the Exorcist.

“Yah, and the next one too. My shoes are killing me and I’m turning red.”

“You got it.” He said.

He got Val’s attention, music was cut. Moving right along.

We are now husband and wife.He pulled me close and laid the nicest kiss on me.

Dang. We’re in church here, pal, and you’re really turning me on.

Do you go to hell for getting turned on in church?

The only mishap was Lil T coming up to us mid-vows and yelling “Look Nana! Motorcycle.”

When he figured out everybody was lauging at him and saying, “Oh how cute.”, he took off.

So, not a single mishap that was YouTube worthy happened, dammit!

Oh wait... the death march...

I was just waiting for somebody to do something stupid.

We got it done! The ceremony itself was beautiful. Nobody burst into flames from getting too close to the unity candle, although Julie was standing pretty close and she has that sexy long hair.

But, nobody slid and fell off the stage, passed out or puked…

No puke is an awesome thing.

Next snafu:
We were in the midst of finding the photographer to make pictures after the ceremony, when we found out that the photographer had, in fact, left.

He had said to somebody, can’t remember who at this point, that he had plenty of pictures. I still don't have them.

Um. What?!?! I believe I’ll be the one to tell you when you’ve got enough damn pictures and when you can sit down and have cake!

But, I didn’t get the chance. He was gone.

Must have needed a beer or a shot of tequila or something. Whatever.

That’s when SUPERMAN appeared! My buddy Mark.

I was about to cry and there he was, yanking the camera out of the bag, snapping pictures of the wedding party, the reception, the friends, the family.

My friggin hero, I shit ya not!

Ok, so what else. The reception was interesting. There was one arguement and my cake was melting.

I pitched the bouquet, and Robyn (one of my best Pirate friends) snatched it up. She’s next anyway.

Tony flipped the garter…

Curtis (Robyn’s man) yoinked the garter! So, if it wasn’t already happening, it’s bound to happen now!

We cut cake...

drank wedding punch…

and decided it was time to cruise on outta there.

We proceeded to the truck to find it tastefully decorated with multiple condoms and window chalk.

Family-kid drama was on deck... but I am trying to forget all about it at this point.
Family-mom crisis hit with Big T's mom that day too, but all turned out well.

Anyhoo, I suppose it doesn't make any difference how we got there. I got the ring, he gets a life long subscription to Annoy Me Daily magazine for men.


Speedcat Hollydale said...

Honestly, you put together the best posts ever. This moment in time will be preserved here forever - just like marriage!

Beautiful - that's the word :-)

Robert said...

A finer collection of boob's I have never seen...:))))

wonderful pictures..a little family chaos adds to the event you know it wouldn't be the same without it...:)))))))))

Nosjunkie said...

I love the death march thing its great I would have been the idiot killing myself giggling in the middle of the church....hahahahaha... thast great diva absolutly great.
you made me feel alot better bout the impending bugger up that is bound to be my wedding... if you can get away with the death march

moooooog35 said...

I had to look twice.

That kid in front of the mirror looks just like me on my wedding day.

I hate being short sometimes.

Diva said...

Speedcat- Thanks, man! That was a really really cool thing to say!

Robert- Yes, my maids all have lovely hooters. I fear what I'd have done had I not been the one getting hitched!

Lee- Honey, don't worry about your wedding! It will be beautiful. I have the horror story market in my pocket over here!!

Flip Flop Momma said...

u seroiusly just got married?...congrats to u..U made the most stunning bride..

In April I will celebrate my 13th wedding annivesary..

hope u have a long and semi happy union..haha

Mr. Fabulous said...

That was the most boobalicious wedding I have ever seen!

Diva said...

mooooooog- You are Lil T are twins, are ya?

FFM- Actually we got married in September, but I've been travelling with my job. Semi-happy union... that's hilarious, true, but hilarious.

Fab- Boobalicious indeed. Love the boobies.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Great post girlfriend!

Next time though do you think you could show some more boobs? LOL

Felt like I was at Hooters!

Diva said...

PP- You tempt me so. Just for you, I'll be doing a post dedicated to boobs, not sure if they will be mine, but dedicated to boobs for sure.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Great story!

Xanax should be on that little pillow beside the rings. One for each!

MsPuddin said...

now was chipole chile really a good idea before the march???

Well looks like a match made in got hitched!!!

Great post...

maverick said...

wooof..........smoking...nice the pic where u show the :D....good family fun eh??...

Diva said...

RLL- Xanax should definitely be readily available to those signing their life away!

Ms. P- Mayhem doesn't even begin to describe it.

Mav- Nice legs, no?

maverick said...

@diva....oh yeah :D....smoookingggggggggggg

Sugar Queens Dream said...

Beautiful wedding just like you...
Hugs babe

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Death March! Zoinks!!!! Why didn't I think of THAT?!

Punch-Drunk said...

Congrats - you looked beautiful - may all your wishes, hopes and dreams come true together!!

Boobiful Bridesmaid said...

I will proudly bear my cleavage for you any time, but here's a little bridesmaid insider info... some of us felt like hot Clingon goddesses, while others thought our bared cleavage resembled bunky. And what's wrong with walking the aisle to the Requeim Mass? It is, after all, the death of your single life. I see nothing inappropriate at all, except possibly my giggling down the aisle and my gaping queries to Becky. I think you missed your calling, Sweetie. You are a terrific wedding planner! A breath-taking bride in a beautiful church surrounded by loved ones... best wedding ever.

Diva said...

Boobiful- You, my pirate bridesmaidm, were stunning in your Clingon getup. I swear ooogling eveybody's ta-ta's got me through it.

I'm actually gonna steal Holly's dress next time I go over there. It should be a good formal on a cruise that skank won't ever wear it again anyway!!!

I know we all giggled about the death march. Jeeeez.

I lovers you!!!!! Call me when you're off on the weekend!